KaburagiKotetsu

I started drawing ever since I could hold a pencil and I have lived most of my life doing traditional drawings of nature, animals, buildings, humans, objects and landscapes. Ever since I got hooked to anime, I barely did that ever again. I have the feeling that these years, I’m lacking practice in drawing everything except manga, and I think I’m falling behind everyone who does not limit their drawings to manga or a certain series style. Am I envious of all the younger artists who draw all sorts of amazing stuff and have their own style? You bet I am, I’m envious as fuck. I’m envious of literally everyone around me. It makes me realize again and again that I fucking copy all the time. Copying is important to improve. But I feel like I'm overdoing it.

Now my reason to copy things is because I don’t want to draw things too out of character. And one of the ways to prevent that from happening, is by drawing draws according to the style of the fandom you like. And there comes the problem, my drawing style changes with every new fandom I get hooked to. This won’t get me anywhere. 

Also another thing that keeps me from drawing in a different style, is because there might be people who like my drawings as they are now, and switching over to a different style might disappoint them. Now I do not care about the number of watchers, but the thought that I might disappoint people is not pleasant. That’s not something what an artist should be worrying about, an artist should give no fucks. Perhaps they’ll try to adjust themselves in creating stuff that sells, but being embarrassed over your work is no good… I don’t consider myself an artist right now, but if I want to become one (no, even if I would not become one), I should start giving no fucks.

Ugh I haven’t even showed my deviantart nor tumblr to my family, because I am embarrassed for what I draw, because it’s something they are not used to, which is manga and same sex relationship drawings. I have two steph brothers who are homosexual, and I’m afraid that upon seeing my drawings, they will be offended because perhaps it’s not how they experience homosexuality, or that they will think that I fetishize it. But I don’t. I am probably exaggerating, they are good people and won’t judge me because of that but I still am an anxious person who is afraid for weird looks and tries to fit in what’s normal. I can be totally weird in my ways of behaving and in my talks, but when it comes to the things I create, my interests and my favorite music, I tend to avoid talking about them, unless they are “people of the same kind”. Which is why the internet is so relaxing for me, it’s where I can talk with fellow nerds about crazy stuff only they understand. Ugh I should start giving no fuuuuuucks……

But okay, back to the drawing stuff…
People often say you should not compare yourself to others. I think that’s true. But I think it’s not necessarily bad to compare the stuff you make to the stuff that others make. Being envious gets me down, but it motivates me. I want to try different things and become better. Because I want to get better. Why? Because my goal is to be able to draw everything in whatever way I want. Why? Because the easier it is to draw everything, the more fun it is to draw – which is my hobby. And who doesn’t want to reach the highest level in a video game? Now I don’t know what the highest level is. Perhaps it’s something of a technically high level, perhaps it’s something unrecognizable and abstract, perhaps it’s something pretty, perhaps it’s something that contains many emotions, perhaps it’s something that looks ugly at first sight, perhaps it’s something funny, perhaps I end up right where I am, because perhaps that turns out to be the best thing. The only thing that I know right now is that I want to find out what kind of drawing style is truly “me”. And even if I might find it, it might change even after then. And that’s fine. As long as I can break out of the current situation.

This does not mean I will completely stop drawing things the way I draw right now. I just want to try different styles when I have time, and I think I’m going to try something with cartoons as a first step. Perhaps picking up traditional style again. I never really had interest in cartoon style, so I never tried drawing that way and to be honest I’m not all that pumped up to get started with that. It’s probably hard to switch from manga style to cartoon style. And I don’t know how much of a switch I’ll be able to make.

And yups, I will have to force myself to draw things that I don’t want to draw right now, but that’s how it goes in art school as well. They’ll try to completely eradicate your current style and force you to draw all kinds of shit. To start over. Having good techniques is not the end of the learning process of drawing. It’s probably gonna take years to find my own style. I can’t just switch over to new style in one day. Even if I’ll never become a legit artist, I still want to make this change.

The only thing that gets in my way right now is my own shame. How great it would feel to just draw whatever I want to, fanart or not, in whatever weird way, to just experiment with styles and tools and end up with a bunch of crap – but still useful crap. It would satisfy me so much. I could create a new anonymous deviantart account to go weird over there but that would mean I’d be running again. So I won’t be doing that. Too bad I won't be able to get a different username, though.

I have noticed that some people have a hard time dealing with being unwatched.

But hey, don't let this get to you  The more watchers you have, the more people there are to unwatch you. Some people decide to watch others, and if you are not the type to watch back - they might unwatch you just for that. Like I only watch about 30 deviants (groups included), though I don't know to what extent that affects my watch rates.

Of all the watchers you have, surely the time will come for some of them to lose interest in what you draw - perhaps they are no longer interested in for example Soul Eater. A huge amount of my watchers are (were) Tiger and Bunny fans. Now I'm spamming my gallery with Soul Eater (mainly Death the Kid) and I can't blame people for unwatching me if they are not interested in that.

I don't check out my watch rate that often but I experience some unwatching from time to time, at least a few times each month I'm guessing. And yes, it hurts. But there's no need to take it personal - I too unwatch people, even if they make awesome art – and I’m not doing it make the other feel bad. I just lose interest for whatever reason.
 
Also having many watchers doesn't always say that people pay particular attention to your work - for example I'm supposed to have about 240 watchers but I barely notice their "presence".
Whenever I upload something, only a few give feedback - which is about 7 people. The other 200 plus watchers? Some people silently look at it or give it a fave, but I think the majority (70%?) just skips my stuff or ignores it. People that tend to watch many deviants have a whole pile of work to go through in their mail everyday. Like people who watch hundreds of deviants - I won't be surprised if they accidentaly - or on purpose skip my work. Having a mailbox with hundreds of deviations gets tiring. Your single deviation would have to compete with all other deviations in your watchers box and if it doesn't stand out, that's too bad.
Keep in mind that it's also likely that some of your watchers aren't as active on Deviantart anymore.

Some watchers might have lost interest in my work long ago, but forget to unwatch me because I don't upload stuff very often.
I don't know what my watchers think of my stuff - that's why I love to receive comments a lot more than receiving watchers or faves.

It sure is nice having an audience for your work. Though in my case it made me hesitant in uploading stuff I like. Like the Black Star x Kid which has become my otp = how many people actually appreciate that? I can count them on one hand. The Soul Eater fandom is the straightest fandom I have ever been in so I feel like a turkey in a crowd of chickens. I can totally see myself losing watchers from drawing too much Deathstar. But I'll still continue to draw it, because I draw and upload things on deviantart because I think it's fun and I like to contribute to some small fandoms that share a similar interest. If there is only one person who truly enjoys seeing my stuff, than that's what makes it worth to me to continue uploading stuff on deviantart.

Overall I don't think you should worry too much about watchers, because this is very subjective. Like my Naruto drawing I uploaded recently - it broke all of my viewed/faved/downloaded records in two days - in comparison to what it normally takes for my "not-Naruto" drawings to reach that count (one week to 2 years) and to be honest, it got me down quite a bit. Because it once proves that the succes of your drawing often depends on the series you draw. Because that Naruto drawing of mine sucked ass. I spend way more effort in some of my other drawings. So as long as it's Naruto it's okay? Damn. Though the same can be said about Soul Eater - it's easier to favorite something that people already know and love. Some people who draw original stuff that has no fanbase hardly have any watchers at all, no matter the quality of their art.
 
Don't worry about people unwatching you - it is no use having watchers that only pretend to like your work, or just watch you for the sake of being watched back - as much as it's no use having thousands of friends on facebook you hardly ever talk with.

Just keep drawing and have fun