To give no fuck

I started drawing ever since I could hold a pencil and I have lived most of my life doing traditional drawings of nature, animals, buildings, humans, objects and landscapes. Ever since I got hooked to anime, I barely did that ever again. I have the feeling that these years, I’m lacking practice in drawing everything except manga, and I think I’m falling behind everyone who does not limit their drawings to manga or a certain series style. Am I envious of all the younger artists who draw all sorts of amazing stuff and have their own style? You bet I am, I’m envious as fuck. I’m envious of literally everyone around me. It makes me realize again and again that I fucking copy all the time. Copying is important to improve. But I feel like I'm overdoing it.

Now my reason to copy things is because I don’t want to draw things too out of character. And one of the ways to prevent that from happening, is by drawing draws according to the style of the fandom you like. And there comes the problem, my drawing style changes with every new fandom I get hooked to. This won’t get me anywhere. 

Also another thing that keeps me from drawing in a different style, is because there might be people who like my drawings as they are now, and switching over to a different style might disappoint them. Now I do not care about the number of watchers, but the thought that I might disappoint people is not pleasant. That’s not something what an artist should be worrying about, an artist should give no fucks. Perhaps they’ll try to adjust themselves in creating stuff that sells, but being embarrassed over your work is no good… I don’t consider myself an artist right now, but if I want to become one (no, even if I would not become one), I should start giving no fucks.

Ugh I haven’t even showed my deviantart nor tumblr to my family, because I am embarrassed for what I draw, because it’s something they are not used to, which is manga and same sex relationship drawings. I have two steph brothers who are homosexual, and I’m afraid that upon seeing my drawings, they will be offended because perhaps it’s not how they experience homosexuality, or that they will think that I fetishize it. But I don’t. I am probably exaggerating, they are good people and won’t judge me because of that but I still am an anxious person who is afraid for weird looks and tries to fit in what’s normal. I can be totally weird in my ways of behaving and in my talks, but when it comes to the things I create, my interests and my favorite music, I tend to avoid talking about them, unless they are “people of the same kind”. Which is why the internet is so relaxing for me, it’s where I can talk with fellow nerds about crazy stuff only they understand. Ugh I should start giving no fuuuuuucks……

But okay, back to the drawing stuff…
People often say you should not compare yourself to others. I think that’s true. But I think it’s not necessarily bad to compare the stuff you make to the stuff that others make. Being envious gets me down, but it motivates me. I want to try different things and become better. Because I want to get better. Why? Because my goal is to be able to draw everything in whatever way I want. Why? Because the easier it is to draw everything, the more fun it is to draw – which is my hobby. And who doesn’t want to reach the highest level in a video game? Now I don’t know what the highest level is. Perhaps it’s something of a technically high level, perhaps it’s something unrecognizable and abstract, perhaps it’s something pretty, perhaps it’s something that contains many emotions, perhaps it’s something that looks ugly at first sight, perhaps it’s something funny, perhaps I end up right where I am, because perhaps that turns out to be the best thing. The only thing that I know right now is that I want to find out what kind of drawing style is truly “me”. And even if I might find it, it might change even after then. And that’s fine. As long as I can break out of the current situation.

This does not mean I will completely stop drawing things the way I draw right now. I just want to try different styles when I have time, and I think I’m going to try something with cartoons as a first step. Perhaps picking up traditional style again. I never really had interest in cartoon style, so I never tried drawing that way and to be honest I’m not all that pumped up to get started with that. It’s probably hard to switch from manga style to cartoon style. And I don’t know how much of a switch I’ll be able to make.

And yups, I will have to force myself to draw things that I don’t want to draw right now, but that’s how it goes in art school as well. They’ll try to completely eradicate your current style and force you to draw all kinds of shit. To start over. Having good techniques is not the end of the learning process of drawing. It’s probably gonna take years to find my own style. I can’t just switch over to new style in one day. Even if I’ll never become a legit artist, I still want to make this change.

The only thing that gets in my way right now is my own shame. How great it would feel to just draw whatever I want to, fanart or not, in whatever weird way, to just experiment with styles and tools and end up with a bunch of crap – but still useful crap. It would satisfy me so much. I could create a new anonymous deviantart account to go weird over there but that would mean I’d be running again. So I won’t be doing that. Too bad I won't be able to get a different username, though.